The crucifixion of romance

A couple of years ago I went to Myanmar to attend a meditation course in a secluded area in the forest, North East of Mandalay. The monastery was really beautiful and the monks and nuns there truly warm hearted.  I had been looking forward to this experience as I was desperately trying to find some answers to what had been happening to me. Ever since I started doing yoga and meditation, I began having clear visions of people and places I have never met in my life, sometimes I even heard conversations but not with my physical ears. I was desperate for answers. Who am I, what am I doing here? What’s happening to me?

I was given a very comfortable room with bathroom in an area where even electricity is considered a luxury. The food was excellent and suitable for my vegan requirements; I had coincidentally chosen the best monastery I could possibly find.

It took me at least a few days to get used to the meditation routine as I was also not feeling well because of a terrible cough.

After a few days, while I was just about to step into the meditation hall, I heard the echo of the voice of a friend telling me – you are going to meet the love of your life in Asia –. She said  that just before I left Italy in 2014 and I remember thinking that that was completely out of the question. I had had enough of relationships and the idea of having to deal with another human again made me sick.

I don’t really know how it happened but gradually, I started noticing the kindness of one of the nuns there. She was very beautiful as well but that was not the reason why  I fell in love with her. I fell in love with her mainly because of her kindness: she was the incarnation of Buddha’s qualities.

Day after day, my feelings for her grew stronger and stronger until the point where I couldn’t meditate anymore; all I could see was her. If I closed my eyes, there she was, right next to me. I also tried to find every excuse possible to go and see her, I desperately wanted to be with her, I wanted to stare at her beautiful warm eyes one more time and I just couldn’t get enough. As an Italian woman, I’m really hot blooded and I’m not very good at concealing my feelings, I’m pretty sure the entire monastery knew how I felt. I even caught myself planning about how to lure her into my room at night… That was enough, I thought, I had started to think like a thief, my attraction for her was unbearable I had to leave as soon as possible.

After leaving the monastery, I found the courage to write an email to her where I confessed my love for her with all the colorful details about my  sexual dreams and fantasies. I had never done that before in my life but somehow I felt I could be completely honest with her, I thought she could read my mind easily and I wasn’t telling anything new. But I was wrong: so wrong! She replied to me almost a month later by telling me that I fell in love with her Buddha’s qualities and that was it.

Yet my gadar (gay radar), was beeping loudly every single time we approached each other. I’m sure there was no mistake about what I felt but I didn’t consider that for a nun, falling in love with another woman meant giving up her vows and changing her lifestyle completely. As a passionate Latin woman, turning my reality upside down in the name of love is common routine but I still have no idea what it meant for her, apart that homosexuality is not easily accepted in religious premises though wildly practiced…

I left, my heart exploding with pain, my heartbeat pounding in my throat, I couldn’t speak I was so brokenhearted. I wanted to say something to her but I couldn’t utter a single word, I was afraid I was going to burst into tears at any moment so I left without even looking at her. I was staring at my feet. I boarded the boat by the river with two other guys whom I didn’t even know, yet the pain was so profound that I wanted to hug one of them and cry my heart out in his arms.  Why did I leave? It was unbearable to see you there and pretend that nothing was happening and it had been even more painful leaving you behind but I had no choice. That was the crucifixion of romance!

I have been thinking about you for all this time; I’ve been praying my Goddess not to let me suffer like this again. I thought it was a test to learn the meaning of attachment but I learned something else instead. We are human beings and human beings fall in love, it doesn’t matter how much you want to prevent yourself from falling in love; it’s bound to happen, it’s part of our experience as incarnated humans in this reality.

I respect those who decide to practice celibacy for a higher purpose but I do not believe that celibacy is a requirement for the evolution of the soul. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here but incarnated somewhere else without genitals and the feeling of needing one other.

Of course, love can be platonic (sexless) but denying its existence is truly harmful. We are what we are, end of the story.

It’s been two years now and I’m still thinking about you. I found your FB account and I wrote you a message. You didn’t reply. I don’t know what to think but it’s obvious that you don’t want to hear from me ever again in your life and so be it. I wish you had told me the truth no matter how painful because being ignored is the worst thing you can do to a person.

By the way, the kitten in the photo is Pippi, he loves me unconditionally.

I wish you good luck or chok dee as they say in your country

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